Well universe, so much has changed.  Second year of university, wonderful new girlfriend who makes me so very happy and finally sorted out the nightmare ex and am now her friend (What can i say i’m a nice guy, alright?)

So life goes on, work goes on, friends go on but most importantly i’m happy.

You stay classy world and may your choice of deity bless you or the universe be kind.

Cx

So much has changed since last i wrote.

I never did draw my land in the sand.  Not for fear of the outcome but for the sake of peace.

It happened from love for me and can never be told for her love of him.

He and I have an uneasy peace, born from his having a drama queen twitter moment and my calm reply that i’d kick his teeth down his throat.

But peace is peace, and minus one slight blip between I and her, all is well.

No more misbehaving behind his back, just peace on earth and goodwill to all men.

My first year of university has really changed me.

I have a new group of friends who are just as messed up as me (jokingly entitled the box of broken toys).  I’ve partied, drank, had fun and lived.

My attitudes have shifted greatly.  While I may be the nicey nicey go ahead walk all over guy i once was, i’ve found that being nice when the chips are down is always the right course of action.

Always be nicer than necessary, you never know when you’ll have to rely on the kindness of others.

My lazy attitude toward life has shifted to a more structured but relaxed one.

Each to there own and do unto others as you would have done unto you.

My belief that the best course of action after my messy break up was to always tell the truth was a childs perspective.  The tantrum of a child.  I am the keeper of many secrets, each and every one showing the level of trust people have in me and some secrets can only do more harm than good.

So for the first time in a long time, i send this into cyberspace with no expectance or hope of reply and understanding.

Take care all and may the world keep on spinning

LeeCh

For now I remain in what is to my mind some odd stasis.  Frozen like mosquitoes in amber.  Memories of a few unexpected and beautiful moments burning ever more brightly in the back of my mind.

And in the back of my mind they stay at least until this damned work is done.  Then and only then can I be free of the weight of knowledge and guilt stagnating within my mind.

I wronged the man who wronged me and in doing so became no better.  Yet to my mind I see it as a lesser sin than his repeated betrayal.

Simply put once these hard days work is done and exams have come to pass, I, of free will without coaxing, must draw my ultimate and final line in the sand with the woman I love and the bastard who betrayed me.

Two terrifying but unwavering points must be lain down once and for all, like the ten commandments carved in stone or the magna carta.

Choose and accept that the other may never forgive you nor care for your presence ever again.

And tell him the truth.  He is not a bad man, but I have reason to hate him.  But he still has my begrudging respect.  Tell him the truth.  Our actions and the words which were spoken or I will.

Hate me, scream at me, beg and plead.  This line must be drawn.

To save what little is left of my mind, my beliefs and my heart.

So be it.

Lots of exams and deadlines.  Coursework handing in and last lab sessions.  This academic year draws to an end and i find myself in almost exactly the same situation.  Stressed, confused and single.

Except not entirely so.  There was a thing.  A few things.  An eclectic assortment off moments, glances, etc that culminated in some very suprising moments indeed.

So what does it all mean?  I mean the holidays are coming up soon.  So much i’d like to say.  But am i allowed to say it?  Or more, should i say it?  Right in the middle of exams my very odd personal life has decided to swirl and bubble once more.

Lets just hope i can hold it off, finish these exams and then retire home to old friends and a quiet cup of tea.

C x

So she is sometimes a bitch and sometimes she even enjoys it.  That taste of the dark side.

That’s fine.  Everyone has that little devil on their shoulder.  Sometimes it even seeps through.  But so long as you care that it is sidling it’s way into the word, riding your moment of weakness like a prized stallion, then you are still a good person.

Yet lately my moments of weakness seem to be less moments and more a miasma.  A sickening sea of evil thoughts writhes in the back of my mind still.

I want to say things, do things just for the dark little thrill.

I want to drive his paranoia right into the depths of his soul.  So that every moment I am around he feels the pain I felt in that single moment.

I want to look into his eyes and tell him just to watch a piece of him die.  To see it in his glance.

But that I care makes me a good person right?  What a twisted sycophantic psychology.

Perhaps I am a good person.  Time will tell.

Sincerely

C x

Ps  (8)I’ll never give in.  I’ll never give up.  Just want to be loved.(8)

(8)I got a jet black heart, it’s all fucked up and i’m falling apart.(8) 

It has been fantastic.

A cup of tea in the wee hours of the morning with one of my bestfriends.

The best night sleep i’ve had in a long time.  A long lie in.

Good food, good friends, lazy day in pjs.

All in all fantastic.

Time and good karma.

I knew it’d come back to me.

Take care world

C x

I know the feeling

Well i’ve made it this far.  Clearly cutting my world into pieces is working.  Unfortunately people continue to interfere.  Trying to help.  They pick at the nice clean edges of my sections.

The friends happy together.

The weasel whole took everything i love from me.

The woman i will always love.

The girl who broke through ever barrier and shield i had around my heart with three little words only to drive a bitter spike through my heart when i meant them back.

So long as they remain in their compartments i work, life works, and i’ll be fine.  I have adapted and now i will do what i always do.  Get by.

The number of people trying to help reflects well on me i think.  But i don’t want their help.  Accept me as i am and just keep going.  That is why i miss my bestfriend.  Reliable, cynical, hilarious.  For 8 years now my ever present back up.

These holidays will be entirely devoted to catching up with him.  Reliving the good times even for just a little while.

Anyway,

On we boldly go.

C x